I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize