martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
