i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have tasted many bathrooms
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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