He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
