I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
