you didnt know i had herpes?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
