i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
As shirtless as possible
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
