in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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