Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Houston, we have a squirter
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
