I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
