my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
