Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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