is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
