Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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