it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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