I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
