God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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