If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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