listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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