then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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