i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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