It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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