grandma shit on top of the toilet
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize