the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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