zippers are such a cool invention
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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