Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
