new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
