i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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