Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You dont lie about slip and slides
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
