Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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