my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
