Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We're too hungover to prance.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
