I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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