i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
