The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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