The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
