i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
