Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
