I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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