I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
