can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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