I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
this just has baby written all over it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
