You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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