You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
