i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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