you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
