i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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