she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
