I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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