Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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