I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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