JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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