I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Boobs speak an international language.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
