I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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