Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
