im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
