i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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